i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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