Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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