I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
