There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize