when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
