That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
