Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
