My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
My penis needs a shock collar
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
