i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Randomize
