Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Randomize
