Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
