My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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