Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
