So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
