he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
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