I met the friendliest cop last night
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize