Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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