my soul wont recognize me after tonight
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
