why im i the only drunk person in the library?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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