you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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