I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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