Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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