i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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