I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
