NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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