Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I just threw up on my dentist
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
