hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
