I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
