it's too hot outside to masturbate.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
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