I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
