I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
