Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
