I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
