Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Everclear isn't food dammit
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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