Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
birth control should be required to get into college
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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