i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
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