so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
