I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
