i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
