Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
How external is "for external use only"?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize