hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
