I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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