dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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