Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
