my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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