you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
