Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
You made out with two different species that night
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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