I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
