I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
