He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
