Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
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