never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
