There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
