I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
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