it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Congratulations! We have a period
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize