hotel room ftw
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
