just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
